Codependency. To excessively rely on people, other than yourself, for everything. As a 45 year codependent, I feel I have a B.A., M.A, and Phd on codependency. I often chuckle to myself because I think if you googled “examples of codependency” my name would pop up! Let me give you an idea. As a 45 year old, I did not know the names of basic streets in the town I lived in most of my life because I never drove. I did not know which utility companies in my town were for gas or electric much less the names of internet companies. I never planned a vacation, booked a flight or hotel, bought a car, managed conflict, or ran errands by myself. I was dependent on another to do those things for me. In fairness, I had a chronic illness that left me home bound most of the time. Nevertheless, I was a child in a 45 year old body.
What is the problem with being codependent? You rely on factors outside yourself for love, fun, safety, and survival. Thus, a codependent hands over their power of the basic elements of life to another person or outside circumstance. Unfortunately, there are folks that take advantage of codependent people. Those with narcissistic personality disorder, for example, fall into this category. But quite frankly, there are many scenarios in which people take advantage of a codependent. In the end, codependents find themselves emotionally, physically, and financially devastated. Like me, you might wonder how could this possibly happen as I am a kind and loving person. Well, you may very well be a great person. However, you choose to give up your power to someone else. Therefore, you must take ownership of the consequences.
How to heal codependency
How should one go about healing codependency? That is the exact question I asked myself. I did what any other person might do and asked a mental health professional and looked on Amazon for a book. I am an educator with a Master’s Degree. I know how to learn and study. I settled on a best seller workbook. And I was disappointed. I wondered to myself what the data really shows. I know the book is a best seller, and it was recommended by a mental health professional, but I would like to know how many of the people that read it are no longer living a life of codependency. What is the success rate? Like many contemporary mental health or self books on the market today, they are archaic and lack the vibrational element to heal. The material focused on thinking your way out of it. If you read my blog on Trauma Bonds(read step 3), then you are aware that there is a vibrational component to healing that impacts a person on a subconscious and energetic level. Speaking from experience, you cannot completely heal yourself if you do not do the energetic work as well. For me, I was on the floor and couldn’t breathe during a panic attack in which I felt if I did not return to a toxic situation I would literally die because I needed this person to survive even though there was documented evidence of verbal, sexual, and financial abuse along with a gambling addiction and drug use. At that moment, I could not THINK myself into a logical conclusion.
How to heal
Step 1
First, you must remove the vibrational element from your being. In the Trauma Bonds blog, I mentioned the work of Melanie Tonia Evans. I read the materials she provided for free, then coupled that with my Master Reiki training and created a self healing method to remove the harmful energy.
A word of caution here
Once I started to realize that this strategy actually worked I started to do it every time I felt the panic attacks and anxiety coming on. I was going through a trauma bond and struggled with the immense pain that made me think I wanted to throw myself off my balcony more than once. So, I started to do these healing sessions on myself with vigor. When I started, I did 22 in one day. Not. A. Good. Idea. I actually triggered the trauma bond and, after the 22nd release, experienced 4 panic attacks back to back in which I could not breathe for about 20 minutes. I was about to call an ambulance when a non profit worker stopped in(complete divine intervention by the way it was a Sunday night and she was unexpected) to bring me a surprise. Luckily, I was able to get the support I needed to get myself out of that space. After that, I experimented and realized that I could handle 2 releasings a day without triggering the bond. It took about 9 weeks from the moment I left the toxic situation until I could do 3 a day without any problems. I am unsure at what point I actually started treating myself. I would speculate that it was at least 2 weeks in.
Step 2
This step is important. Great, now you have released the trauma or emotional challenges and replaced it with the divine energy source. How do you make sure you do not bring any “bad stuff” back in? First of all, we are spiritual beings having a human experience. Thus, we are here to learn and situations will come up in the future because that is what each and every one of us signed up to do before we came here. To use a school example, earth life is a classroom. We are here to learn for our own soul development and to raise the consciousness of earth. Second, we work at it every day.
Breath work, chanting, and affirmations. I start and end my day with them. No matter what. Yes, I groan when I have to set my alarm early on an already before the sunrise type of day, but nevertheless, it is important. The breath work and affirmations are individual and vary by person. The chanting (I know this sounds woo woo for some of you) I found to be critical. I have decided to do my next blog post just on chanting. If my main argument is vibrational or energetic work is needed to truly heal, then a vibrational component must be included for self care.
I start off with breath work. I breath in and fill myself with a concept, and then breathe it out so that it is the vibration I send out into the world. Sometimes, however, when I know I really need to fill myself up, and I am not ready to breath the concept out, I just exhale “air”. For example, I breath in and fill myself and my aura up with abundance, and then out. When I first started doing the abundance component, I could literally feel my need to fill myself up with it, like a body that was starving for thirst, because I did not feel worthy. I just went with it. I breathed in abundance and then out air. A big one for codependency is to breathe in strength and then out self nurture. In this instance, I only breathe it out to the end of my aura. For many that struggle with co-dependence, they lack the ability to self nurture. As for the other elements to breathe in and out, you decide. Be meta-cognitive, or think about your own thinking. Ask yourself why you are feeling a certain way. What might be the root cause? Then, you create your own breath work list. Currently, my breath work list is 7. But remember, there is no magic number, or concept. This has to be individualized.
After the breath work I do chanting to align my chakras. Some of you may have heard of chakras before. For example, your yoga instructor may have referred to them. If not, they are energy points along the spine. And yes, like many of the references I have made, they vibrate. The chanting is important. See my next blog post for more information. This topic is worthy of further discussion.
Lastly, the affirmations. I do feel the modern mental health systems’ approach is applicable here. Your mental health practitioner might use the word ‘scripts’. I feel they are one in the same. This is where, after your breathing and chanting, that you take a moment to read, and hopefully FEEL the truth of these words. As a codependent, they should focus on LIVING FROM THE INSIDE OUT. For example, I depend on myself for love, happiness, peace, safety, abundance, and fun. Or, I am whole, worthy, and complete right now. Or, I have clear boundaries. The affirmations are personal and should be catered to your individual needs. Only you know what that need might be. If you are thinking to yourself, I do not know what I need. Then, that is a good indication that you need to get out of the codependency way of life and figure out what YOU need. It is your Number. One. Job.
Now, get to it!
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