Domestic Abuse and the Archaic American Mental Health System
The title of this article poses many questions. What is a trauma bond and how is an archaic mental health system connected? To put it simply, a trauma bond is a chemical reaction in your body to a repeated traumatic event. If you have lived through a cycle of abuse, your body has become addicted to the chemicals in your body that are created as a reaction to this abuse. Your body secretes chemicals under duress, or the abuse, and then chemicals again, like oxytocin, when the situation improves. If you have lived through a long term form of abuse, then this process of pumping chemicals into your body during conflict and the release of good feeling chemicals when the conflict is “resolved” has happened many, many times to form a physiological, or chemical addiction, to the trauma. Sometimes, it is called a peptide addiction. Thus, many people in abusive relationships actually develop a chemical addiction without knowing it which can make the cycle of abuse very difficult to break. Research suggests this chemical addiction is as hard to break as those suffering through a heroin addiction. As a trauma bond survivor, I can confirm that it was the most physically, emotionally, and mentally challenging experience I have ever had to work through because it was all consuming on every level.
Archaic Mental Health System
The symptoms for those going through a trauma bond may vary but are similar to those going through the withdrawal from chemical substance addiction like alcohol or drugs. However, those that have developed a trauma bond are not aware that an addictive situation is possible. For example, one that chooses to drink alcohol or experiment with heroin knows that these two drugs can create an addictive response. People that are in a relationship, do not realize that a chemical addiction is possible. When I left after 24 years, I did not realize I was going to shake and shiver uncontrollably for days, have diarrhea for weeks, lose my hair, go through debilitating panic attacks and flashbacks from PTSD. If I were to put the shakes on a frequency graph and compare them to the shivers that one feels in cold weather, there would be a distinct difference. The shivers from a trauma bond are short and tight whereas when the body responds to cold the shivers are a bit longer in between each shiver. As anyone that has ever been cold before, you cannot think your way out of it and make your body stop shivering any more than you can stop the hair loss, digestive or emotional responses.
What does a trauma bond really feel like? Follow me here. Think of the most physical pain you have ever been in. Now hold that thought. Next, think of the most emotional pain you have experienced, perhaps the loss of a loved one. Hold that feeling. Now, put them together and feel them at the same time. I remember fantasizing about ways to end the pain. I thought about throwing myself off my deck several times. It is easy to understand why people take their own lives to end the pain. It is also understandable why some return to the pattern of abuse. I have often heard statements like “She is so stupid to return to that guy after what he has done to her”. These statements are often shared through a lens of judgement and a lack of understanding. In these instances, the person cannot think their way out of the cycle of abuse because the chemical addiction has already been created and they do not even know it. I had said statements like the one above about other people myself, yet I tried to leave 3 times in a 10 month period.
As a person with a Master’s Degree I thought I could get help from a medical professional and perform my own research to remedy these intense physiological responses to trauma. I was wrong. The common first step when an abusive relationship has been identified is to do CPT, or cognitive processing theory, in which a patient writes scripts, similar to affirmations. It can be a long process-and even add to the depression because you are not getting better- which makes sense because it does not address the underlying issues that are physiological in nature. Other strategies may include a form of tapping or workbook material. The best selling workbook on codependency, something that is common in many abusive relationships, is similar to the CPT strategy. I remember wondering as a consumer that although I had the best selling codependency workbook in my hands, what did the data suggest after people bought this book. Meaning, how many people that did the workbook actually broke the cycle of codependency or abuse? Although I have not previewed this data, I would infer that it must be low since the workbook again did not address the physiological addiction that one cannot just think themselves out of at any given moment. But, that is what I tried to do.
I spent hours every day researching trauma bonds, verbal abuse, narcissistic abuse, sexual abuse, and any other tangent that the material directed me towards. I became so familiar with verbal abuse that I could preview the text messages and emails I had and highlight in a different color the gas lighting, blaming, crazing making, reverse victimization, and love bombing in the middle. I could easily pick up on statements that were stated that represented narcissistic tendencies. Yet, after I filed for divorce and found out that my spouse secretly stole from me, racked up thousands in gambling debt that I did not know about, in addition to verbal, sexual, financial abuse, and a pattern of drugs I still had the pull to go back. This pull is not rational. One cannot simply think their way out of it and the American Mental Health System uses a brain based support system, or drug based to control the symptoms, but does not address the root cause. The root is physical. I experienced this myself when I went for a lymphatic treatment before I left my spouse and the practitioner, who also has a background in PTSD, touched my body and created a panic attack 3 times in a sixty minute session. Trauma is stored in the body. I felt it. Thus, to properly address the trauma bond, the current archaic system needs to be updated and address the physiological, subconscious, and energetic aspects of the abuse.
End the Bond
There are several steps that one can take to break this addiction. It is very serious and one should seek help as a means of support during this transitional time.
Step 1
First, one needs to recognize the pattern of abuse. This step can be very difficult and take a long time. For many people in this situation, they experienced some form of abuse during childhood and thus might not recognize that instances are “not normal” because it is all they know. Thus, people go from childhood, to adolescence, to adulthood living out these patterns. One way to discern if you are in this pattern is to ask yourself if life is always a challenge. Does it feel like it is one problem, after another, after another? If so, this is the universe’s way of telling you that you are not living your truth. Stop here and ask yourself? Is this you?
Step 2
This step is very normalized in our society after one has concluded they met the requirements for step 1 and move into step 2, or the research and therapy stage. Let me be very clear, this stage is important and necessary. However, this is where the typical American Mental Health System approach fails. Let me explain.
The research stage is crucial. What happens at this stage? You are now on to the idea that you have been a part of a pattern of abuse or conflict but you do not understand how or the similarities it has to your personal situation. Thus, you start researching verbal abuse, for example. Or, you look into what does sexual and financial abuse in a marriage look like? This part of the step is important. You have to recognize if you are or are not in a pattern of abuse. If so, then you know moving forward that there is something that you need to resolve and heal. Without this step, you cannot move forward with the intention to heal because you do not even recognize healing needs to occur.
The therapy stage. For most Americans, this is talk therapy. If a person has suffered PTSD, Cognitive Processing Therapy, or CPT as mentioned above, may be suggested as well. The goal of CPT is to help the patient recognize unhealthy thought patterns and create new ones. There is a lot of information out there about talk therapy and CPT. I agree that is a necessary step. However, for those that have gone through a trauma bond, it is not enough. CPT and talk therapy only address the cognitive aspect of the trauma. It does not support the subconscious or energetic elements that are created. This is why I feel the American Mental Health System is archaic. It assumes that a trauma bond can be broke by thinking your way out of it. It fails to understand the subconscious and energetic component that is crucial to the healing process. I feel many people, like myself, become frustrated at this stage. It takes a long time with limited results which makes sense. It is a limited approach. To break a trauma bond, one has to do more.
Step 3
The subconscious and energetic component. THE missing piece.
Let's go back to your high school science class. Do you remember when you learned about atoms and how they vibrate? How about when you learned that when an atom bonds with another one it vibrates at a certain frequency? Ok, so this is basic information taught in every high school. If you understand this concept, then you know that the body is made up of atoms and thus vibrates as well. You might be able to then understand when there is trauma or negativity there is a lower vibration and healthy and positive results in a higher vibration. This vibration can be felt. Let me give you an example. Have you ever gone over to couples’ home for dinner and you walk in with a feeling of tension in the air and vibrating off their body? The tension is literally palpable. You would have no reason to suspect anything was wrong because your hosts are smiling yet you can feel it and that does not feel good. What are you sensing? The couple just had a fight and put on their “company face” when you walked in. What you felt is vibrational.
Now, let's apply these basic principals to a trauma bond. When a bond forms over a long period of time, if not before birth, it becomes a part of your frequency. The trauma vibrates low and can make it difficult for you to receive higher vibration or energy from the source. It will also attract situations and people that have the same frequency with the intention of providing lessons and opportunities for you so you can heal and remove it.
The best method of removal I have found is through the work of Melanie Tonia Evans. She calls it Quantum Freedom Healing. Her approach is to energetically remove the trauma from your pain body and fill yourself with the source. Thus, removing a low frequency and replacing it with a higher frequency on an energetic level. This is important. You cannot think yourself out of a trauma bond. I know from experience. I have a Master’s Degree and wanted to repeatedly return to a toxic situation even with extensive evidence of verbal, sexual, and financial abuse. I logically knew I should not return. Yet, I was experiencing massive panic attacks and flashbacks while feeling if I did not go back I would literally die. I was on the floor and not able to breathe repeatedly.
We all have different pain thresholds and no trauma bond is the same. Your experience could be more or less than mine. It does not matter. Comparison is not the point. The point is that you need to have support in place during this time. Some of you may wonder how long does it take and what does the support look like? It depends, your situation is unique. For me, it was 4 weeks of not being able to leave the bathroom, shivers, panic attacks, and flashbacks. I was fortunate to work with a woman from a non-profit, along with weekly appointments with my psychologist. These two women were the supportive hands that held me while I did the healing work myself. I also spent a lot of time on Melanie Tonia Evans’ website. She provides a lot of free resources and I created a modified version of her approach and coupled it with my Reiki background in addition to other strategies I developed and incorporated on my own. I was in a situation in which I needed to make realistic financial decisions. Thus, I never bought Evan’s program. However, if you are able to, I would strongly suggest it. Although she focuses mainly on narcissistic abuse, her principles can be applied to any setting.
It is my intention that this essay fosters thought and conversation regarding our mental health system and those that struggle through cycles of abuse. As a mental health community, we need to do more.
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