There are many stages of healing. I have found that after releasing the trauma in my body, the following steps were helpful; acknowledge, accept, forgive, and let go.
The acknowledgement step is important. There are some that might wonder why we would need to acknowledge what happened when we know because we lived the trauma. I get it. However, the aspect of speaking it, journaling it, screaming, yelling, or telling a friend or therapist is an important step in the releasing process. For many, it is hard to believe the trauma actually occurred. They wonder how it could have happened to them. The shock is still very real. For others, whose codependency is cult like, they still might feel a part of themselves justifying the abuse. No matter how you look at it, the acknowledgement of what happened in whatever form is necessary.
Acceptance. You might be asking yourself how could you ever accept what happened to you. Good question. To clarify, I am not suggesting that the incidents were acceptable, on the contrary, I am recommending that you accept the abuser for who they are in their stage of soul development. I remember often in therapy constantly stating “I can’t believe he did this” or “I cannot believe he did that” and the various members of my team would respond “How could you be surprised by this? It is how a narcissist and psychopath acts. Stop being surprised”. So yes, accept that the abuser made those choices and you have no control over them. If we are talking strictly about narcissists, the possibility of a cure from the personality disorder is slim because a narcissist would never admit there is something unhealthy about themselves that needs to be fixed. Thus, most are narcissists their entire lives. Accept this truth.
After you have practiced acceptance, move into forgiveness. I am aware that this can be tricky for some folks. You may wonder how you could ever forgive the abuser for what they did. It is a fair question. However, forgiveness creates space for peace inside yourself. The events will no longer have control over you. It might take some time. In our society, we want everything right now. I understand this sentiment as I am like my fellow humans in the 21st Century. Nevertheless, be kind to yourself and pause on this step for as long as you need. That is OK.
Finally, after you have cleared the trauma from your body and followed the steps above, you can let go and fill yourself with new life experiences. Let go of the pain, trauma, anger, and unfairness. Let go of the hold these circumstances have had on your life and make room for the new. It is like tearing down your home and rebuilding a new one in the same spot. Before you can rebuild, all the debris has to be removed and the foundation reinforced and extended. You have done this before so now you are going to build your dream home. Let go of the old debris and start building a new, bigger life with a strong, reinforced foundation. When you let go of the old, there is space for the new. Be grateful, you can now build your dream home!
It is time to start building friends!
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