A trauma bond is a chemical addiction that develops as a result of an abusive cycle. Chemicals are excreted in the body when under stress as well as during moments of calm or happiness. Thus, a person becomes addicted to the peptide hormones, like oxytocin, that are secreted during the calm or happy phase after a traumatic event. In abusive relationships, this cycle is constantly repeated and thus the body becomes addicted to the release of peptides. In many instances, the addiction develops without the person’s knowledge.
Stockholm Syndrome was coined in the 70’s as a result of an instance in Europe in which hostages defended their captors. This syndrome is often applied to domestic abuse cases in which the victim defends and often cares for their abuser. Stockholm Syndrome develops as a defense mechanism to manage and make sense of the abuse. These two elements make it very difficult for a victim to leave an abuser.
Those that are unfamiliar with domestic abuse wonder why a victim does not use logic and leave the abuser. Simply put, a peptide addiction and the need to survive outweigh logical reasoning. As an educator with a master’s degree, I understand metacognition and reasoning. However, one cannot just think their way out of abuse. When I left a decades long abusive relationship, I did what I do best and used research to educate myself. But, that was not enough to stop the all consuming pull to return to the abusive environment. The awareness of my situation did not change the addiction or syndrome. As my understanding increased and the lies and abuse continued to unravel, on an intense and daily level, the need to return did not subside. I remember clearly finding out about another example of financial abuse 8 months out of the relationship and I was triggered to return later the same day. I also remember going through the withdrawal of the trauma bond-shivers, diarrhea and vomiting, significant hair loss, panic attacks, and flashbacks-and yet wanted to return. The urge to go back to the abusive environment was not logical. As months went on, I resisted the compulsion daily and felt like I was being mildly electrocuted every time. It took me to one knee and often a trip to the bathroom to vomit from pain. Why would anyone logically choose this life? It is not rational, but rather, an addiction.
For those that have people in their life that have been in a domestic abuse situation there are many things you can do to make the transition for the victim easier. First, stop the judgement. I was someone that judged others and would often wonder how someone could go back to a relationship when the abuse was so obvious. Ironically, I was that woman for 24 years. Therefore, making statements like “How could you not see that he was like that?”, or “Why didn’t you leave?”, or even “Why did you return?” are not helpful. It would be thoughtful to create a safe space for the victim to obtain professional help and heal. You will have to be patient as the victim may be skittish, physically ill, and have heightened fear among other symptoms. I know I did. Luckily for me, the last time I tried to leave I was placed in housing by a non profit for domestic abuse. Yes, as a working professional I needed immediate housing and support with medical bills and lawyer fees. More importantly, I required almost 24 hour support to stay put and not return to the abusive situation. Ask yourself, what can you do for your daughter, sister, mother, brother, co-worker, or friend that is in an abusive situation? I have an answer for you. Be aware of your judgement and do something. It does not matter how small. Anything is better than nothing. Be a part of the solution and end the cycle. A continued cycle of abuse has a negative impact on our culture as a whole. The victims are your banker, babysitter, health care worker, your child’s teacher, and business owner in the community. Stand up and be a part of the solution.
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