Revenge, Consequences, or Other?

For many of us in the domestic abuse community, we have strong feelings towards the other party. They can range from revenge and anger to a desire to return as a result of the chemical addiction from a trauma bond. Nevertheless, many wonder about consequences for the abuser. And again, depending on the person that experienced the abuse, the desire may be to boil the abuser in hot water or let them alone. I would like to share a different, albeit related, perspective. What if the ultimate goal is for the abuser to learn and thus the consequences or results of the abuse are tied to this overarching perspective. I can surmise that my ‘eye for an eye’ readers are thinking that whatever damage was done to them should be done to the perpetrator. I can understand this thinking myself but question its effectiveness. I know in my life I did not learn to make better choices when someone was hurting me to make me pay. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Therefore, I want to challenge the notion that consequences should be focused on revenge or the infliction of pain.  In some instances, time in a correctional facility may be warranted. If that is the case, then my suggestion is that the time is used to support the individual to learn. The American correctional facilities are not often a safe place to learn healthy life lessons and move forward in a positive direction. But is that not our goal?

You may be wondering why I have focused so much on the element of education. It is because when a perpetrator realizes their mistakes and resolves to change the impact is experienced by all.  We are all connected by a core essence. Some may call it a soul, light, or energetic force. However you look at it, the improvement of one leads to the improvement of all because we are connected and come from the same source. Thus, the more that one can learn and grow, the more benefit for the human race. If this is too strong of a spiritual connection for you, think of it logically. If the perpetrator ends their abusive behavior, there is less abuse in the home. This, in turn, means healthier children and adults, and a smaller inclination to an abuse cycle repeating. It is obvious that when fewer people are hurt, it benefits humankind. 

Another question you may be wondering is how do you know if the perpetrator has learned to stop the abuse. That is a good question. I would approach the situation carefully. There are many in the world of academia that do not believe narcissists by their very nature can ever learn, for example. This may be the case. Nevertheless, it can be the intention of humankind to promote education and change even if it is not attainable. It is often noted that where an individual places their attention, elements manifest. Let me be clear here, I am not suggesting a victim return to an abusive home and give the abuser another chance. On the contrary, I am suggesting the results of the abuse be viewed from a lense of education and reform rather than revenge and consequences. Ultimately, revenge or consequences does not guarantee a change in behavior and it is that change that we all desire.