There is an important step that one should address after leaving an abusive relationship that is often overlooked-forgiveness. I am not referring to the forgiveness of the abuser. Too often in our childhood we were taught that one should forgive another person for wrongdoing. Sure, there is a time and place for this type of forgiveness. But, what I am referring to is the forgiveness of the self for allowing oneself to be a part of an abusive dynamic. Life is about choices and, whether you are at this stage or not, it is important to understand your role. I can imagine all of the excuses that are running through your head at this moment because I have thought them all. My excuse train ran something like this, “I did not know about the extensive financial abuse, I did not understand emotional and verbal abuse, he said the drugs were not his, and I thought the sex abuse was just a part of being married.” I am here to acknowledge that these thoughts are true. Nevertheless, you must ask yourself what was your role in the abusive dynamic. Were you codependent? Powerless? Did you lack boundaries? If so, then you chose to give your power to someone else. I know where your mind is going now. “I did not know I was powerless, or co-dependent, or that I lacked boundaries.” That might be true. Yet, I bet you had a voice in your head that said something is not right many, many times. And you did not acknowledge it. Instead, you chose to listen to the other person, who I suspect was deflecting blame, gas lighting, or using other manipulative techniques. You chose to listen to the manipulator over yourself. Period. In this instance, you were living from the outside in rather than the inside out. And that is OK. In many instances, people that are caught up in an abusive relationship as an adult have unresolved complex trauma from childhood and thus gravitate towards life partners that reflect this trauma. It is in this reflection that life is telling you that there is trauma inside that needs to be addressed and released. From this perspective, the abusive relationship did not happen to you but FOR you so that you can learn to heal and release trauma. When you come to this realization, and take the necessary steps to heal yourself from the inside out, you will no longer be drawn to toxic people because the mirror reflection will shift. If you are unsure where you are at in this process think about these steps; reflect on your role in the relationship, acknowledge living from the outside in, release the trauma, forgive the self, and move forward. This list is easier said than done. I am aware. But! You. Can. Do. It. The process may be a challenge, especially if there is a trauma bond and thus a chemical addiction to the cycle of abuse, but nevertheless it can be done. Ask for help. Do not make the excuse that you have no one, no financial resources, and you will lose the children. I have been there. Reach out to organizations and seek guidance and support. If the first attempt does not work out, then try another. And another. Then work at it every day, sometimes second by second, until you get to the other side. You are worth it. Your children are worth it. Your community is worth it. A healthy adult is more capable of positively contributing to our world. And our world is worth it. It is time to take that next step. It is worth it. And you can do it.
Comments