Narcissists are bullies. There are many in our society that feel that bullying is a normal, if not accepted, part of life. It is not. Bullying can have a major impact on the development of a child and create complex trauma. For some people in a relationship with a narcissist, the narcissist is reflecting back to you the childhood trauma that was unresolved from relentless bullying. Let’s pause for a moment and think about that statement. How could you be unaware you married a bully if you were bullied your whole life? Good question. Narcissists, especially covert narcissists, do not present themselves as bullies at the beginning of the relationship. In fact, it is the opposite. The narcissist will say all the right phrases and make you feel like you finally found someone that understands you. Not! What is actually happening is a form of grooming in which the narcissist gains your trust, you divulge more private feelings, and then the narcissist uses this new found information against you in an expertly, if not psychopathic manner, in the future. In essence, the relationship appears to be so amazing that the victim shares more with the narcissist who not only uses this information to control you but also creates flying monkeys, or people that enable the narcissist, with this information so that one ends up being bullied and manipulated not only by your closest partner but everyone around you. As time goes on, you trust yourself less and less and give up more and more of your own power because you assume that everyone must be right and therefore there has to be something wrong with you. On the contrary, there is nothing wrong with you other than you are a trusting, empathetic person who has now given up your power to a bully. Yes, a bully. It may take years to realize that the person you thought was an escape from childhood trauma is actually the biggest culprit. How did that happen? Narcissists are good at what they do because they have been doing it for a long time in order to get narcissistic supply. In other words, a narcissist will get energy from the outside rather than addressing their own issues. The outside energy source, you, can come in many forms from feeling all powerful to projecting a false self as a loving partner or parent.
How do you end this cycle? Leave. Leave now. It is important to go no contact or limit yourself as much as possible and end the stream of supply. You are no longer the child that lacks the control to free yourself from the bullies in the classroom. You are an adult that is free to leave and end the cycle of abuse. End it. Now.
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