The Codependent's Journey To Independence

For those among us that have lived a portion of their lives as a codependent, it can be a challenge to transition into independent living. First, there is the basic cognitive challenge of separating yourself from the other person. I remember a moment at the non-profit when I was asked what I did for fun. I sat there and thought and thought and thought. I could not come up with an answer that did not involve the other person. This realization led to panic as I wondered how I could ever be happy again without my partner. It is at this point that some people return to an abusive relationship because they firmly believe that they cannot be happy again without their partner even though they are cognizantly aware of the chemical addiction that has taken place as a result of abuse. For some, it is at this moment that they start googling how to have fun and look for boards on Pinterest that offer fifty ways to have fun by yourself. If you have not been in a codependent relationship, this may seem silly. For those that spent long periods of time as a codependent, this is exactly what you should do. Codependent relationships can have cult like qualities and thus the process of overcoming this life may seem daunting. But it is possible. There are three things to consider if you are at this stage of the healing process.

If you are reading this, then it is safe to assume you are ready for the first of three aspects to consider and that is that you have outgrown your past. Meaning, you are aware of the codependent relationship, that it is unhealthy, and you need to leave and pursue support. I am proud of you. This is huge! If you are in a moment where you want to return to the toxic relationship, remind yourself that the fact you are here suggests you have outgrown the situation and are ready to move forward. When we are in a relationship, it often reflects the elements of ourselves that need to be healed. If you were in a codependent relationship and drawn to a toxic person then it was reflecting a part of yourself that had to be healed. Perhaps you experienced complex trauma as a child that you have not addressed and your partner is reflecting back at you all that needs to be resolved. Great! Resolve and release it! The codependency happened FOR you, not to you. Learn from it. Let it go. Then move on.

For most people in a codependent relationship, they find moving on very difficult. It feels like taking care of yourself is all consuming. Depending on your situation, you may not have experience making decisions or problem solving and when you leave the relationship, which often has abusive tendencies, one may find themselves feeling inept at taking care of their basic needs. This feeling of ineptitude can plunge you into despair and you may ask yourself how can I solve all of these problems and create a prosperous future when I have so many challenges and do not know what I am doing! This brings me to the second aspect. Do not put any energy into the future. You have no control over it. Your power is in the NOW. Thus, if you spend time worrying about how you are going to survive in 6 months, you will miss the opportunity of the present. Therefore, look the future square in the eye and believe you will meet it when you get there and that when you resolve the issues of the present moment your future will be limitless. Say out loud, “I am open and anything is possible in my future”. Now let’s focus on where your power really is, in the NOW.

Ask yourself, what are my challenges in this moment? Right. Now. Make a list. When you reflect on your list, put items together and focus on the top three. Then start problem solving how to address these three challenges. For example, perhaps you have some financial issues. Check out a money management book from the library, sign up for a money management class from your local credit union, or follow a money management expert on youtube. Do it now. Put your focus into developing the skills you do not have because you gave your power to someone else. No biggie. Just go about fixing it. Take one step. Then another. Then another. You can do it. Life is a series of steps. If you take one step and then another with your focus on the present moment then you are acting as an independent person solving the challenges of the moment. You are no longer codependent but rather acting as a responsible person within your own power creating solutions for a better future for yourself. And, my friend, your future looks bright!