The words narcissism and cult do not often go together on research threads. Yet this is exactly the type of life circumstances that many victims of narcissistic abuse find themselves in during the recovery process in which a victim has to recover from not only abuse but cult life. A quick google search will define cults as a “misplaced or excessive admiration for a person”. A narcissist is an expert at control and manipulation to make sure they are on the receiving end of excessive admiration. Victims often find themselves isolated with no support network other than the narcissist and this is done with intention. Since a narcissist wants to feed, called narcissist supply, they can only do so when they feel needed and superior to others. Let me share a personal example. I left a 24 year abusive narcissistic relationship that had strong elements of psychopathy and cult like behavior. On a daily basis, the first thought on my mind in the morning was my partner. I would do his hair every morning and fill him up with I love yous. Then, I would text him once I arrived at school, and again when I went to the restroom after every class. I also texted him on my lunch break and when I left school. If I had a really busy day at work and was not able to text him a love message for perhaps 4 hours, I would get the “Why haven’t you been texting me?” or “Don’t you love me?” text. I would then fall over myself to please him and apologize. From there, I would follow up with more texts until he came home and became almost childlike and desperate for his arrival. I would then go along with any evening plans and make sure to text or give him love before I went to bed. If it was late and he was not in bed, I would wake up in the middle of the night frantic and text him. My children were raised in this cult like environment as well. For example, our 2 year old granddaughter was playing with her Papa’s school book bag and pulled out a wad of used cocaine baggies. I flew into a rage and checked his car only to find two chunks of cocaine in the arm rest. My partner and I were just in the car the night before as we returned from an out of state medical treatment. We were both teachers and could have been arrested and lost our teaching license. The financial future of my family would have been ruined. Yet, my daughter, who was in her 20’s, told me I was overreacting even though it was her little girl that found the used drug baggies. Like my daughter, I believed my partner when he said the drugs belonged to a friend and he did not know they were in his car. My daughter and I were so blinded with this cult-like mentality, or excessive admiration, that we did not see the outrageous and illegal situation that was right in front of us.
How do narcissists create a cult like atmosphere? They do it very covertly. The intention of a narcissist with every interaction they have with others is to put themselves above, be needed, play a victim, or other methods all to get narcissistic supply. In many instances, like my own, it is done covertly and through the lens of love and concern. A narcissist will tell you they love you, would never hurt you, or they cannot live without you. Yet, they put you and your family in a position to get arrested, lose jobs, and blow up your financial future. In the example I shared above, my partner reminded me how much I needed him and how much he cared about my health to drive me out of state for the medical treatment. He then reinforced that he will not see the person who left the illegal drugs in his car ever again. Because I was so codependent to the level of cult like mentality, I did not ask myself questions. For example, why would a person ever “forget” expensive drugs in someone else’s car? Or, leave used drug baggies in a book bag that the owner takes to school with him and was in the back seat of the car? Or how my partner would be unaware that cocaine was neatly put away in a black canister tucked inside his armrest? Why? Because those that live under long term narcissist abuse are so dependent on the narcissist and have such a warped sense of admiration and love that they do not even know it. In addition to this, the abuser continues to reinforce a trauma bond through the constant cycle of abuse. A trauma bond occurs when a person becomes addicted to oxytocin and other chemicals secreted during the make up or calm phase between cycles of abuse. The victim unknowingly develops a chemical addiction to the abuser which is why so many people find it difficult to leave even when their logical mind knows they should. Stockholm Syndrome also comes into play here. Stockholm Syndrome is when a kidnapped victim loves their kidnapper. It is often seen in domestic abuse situations with a narcissist. The victim actually makes excuses for the abuser and developes an unhealthy, dependent-if not cult like-attachment to the abuser.
The cycle can be stopped. Get out. Get. Out. Now. It took me 24 years before I figured it out. No excuses. It is never too late. However, make sure you find a support system to work with you as your body goes through breaking a trauma bond-similar to a heroin addict breaking their addiction-and that your tribe of support is present so you do not return to the abuser. Get help. A person that leaves this type of cult like system will need counseling. I had to learn how to function as a human being, literally. I had to figure out how to eat breakfast, start my day, work, have fun, feel safe and be happy and calm on my own. It might take awhile. I learned how to function in summer and then had to relearn when life changed into fall. I was not able to transfer my new learning yet as I was still healing from the cycle of abuse and cult mentality. Yet, it is worth it. For many, it is hard to see a life outside the cult. I get it. But it exists and it is significantly better than the life you were living. There is no comparison. Why do you think the narcissist kept you so isolated? They didn’t want you to know how great life on the outside really can be! As long as you do the work to heal your inner trauma and seek professional support you will do great! Truely, if you address your wounds and do the inner work, the possibilities are limitless.
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