Many of us report feeling empty inside. It is this issue that often lends itself to living a life from the outside in where we fill ourselves up with unhealthy fillers rather than being our own source of love, happiness, safety, and fun. It is the emptiness that causes many to struggle. Let’s take a moment and reflect on the ways in which people fill themselves up and see if any of these resonate with you.
Unhealthy Fillers
Have you ever said to your partner “You complete me”? If so, there is a chance that you are using a partner as an unhealthy filler. Meaning, you have developed a codependent relationship in which, in order to be happy, you have to have a partner to make you feel loved, worthy, or whole. If you find yourself in this situation, you are vulnerable to manipulation and abuse depending on the partner. Those that are looking for someone to exploit often target individuals who use a partner to fill themselves rather than feeling “full” on their own. An individual is more likely to be powerless and lack boundaries which makes them a great target. Do you need a partner to fill you? Pause for a moment and hear me clearly. IN ORDER TO BE IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, YOU MUST ALREADY BE FULL. The partner overflows your cup but should not fill it. If you live from the inside out, you fill your own cup daily.
Another common unhealthy filler are chemical substances which include drugs and alcohol. In this instance, the substance is used to numb the pain of the void rather than filling it but I felt it was important to include it on the list since it is so common. A person may feel that emptiness inside and reach for a drink to numb the discomfort. This strategy used by many does not address the feelings of the void but rather temporarily suspends it. When the substance wears off, the feeling of the void returns. This, in turn, lends itself to addiction, because the substance must be utilized repeatedly. Ask yourself, do you use drugs or alcohol for this reason?
Social media is high on the list of unhealthy fillers. The reason being is that many people need a large number of likes, retweets, or comments to feel good about themselves. Therefore, they are using followers opinion’s of their selfie to fill up their void and feel full. In other words, if I have 400 likes on the selfie I posted this morning then today will be a good day. As a result, social media users are constantly checking to see who liked the post and who did not, how many comments there are, and the overall total of interactions with the image or video. People are placing their daily happiness in the hands of others dependent on if a majority of people liked their outfit, smile, or filter. The opposite effect can occur as well. People often feel sad or depressed if they do not get a large show of “support” on social media. One can only wonder if this is correlated to the increasing number of adolescents with anxiety and depression.
Shop until you drop! Have you ever thought that if I could only have a new outfit, that Louis Vuitton purse, or a new kitchen then I would be happy? If so, you are using shopping as a means to fill the void and make you feel good. However, as anyone that has ever felt this way and purchased the item knows that the feeling of “happiness” is short-lived. The honeymoon period usually ends after you have worn the outfit once. Therefore, shopping, like other items on this list, can be addictive because one needs to continuously have new things in order to fill the void. Or, you could fill the void yourself.
It may surprise you that I have children on this list. Yes, your children. All you have to do is go to any American soccer field or dance studio and you will see parents that use their children to fill their void. These are the adults that are overly involved in the success of their 7 year old’s travel soccer team. The win or loss of a 7 year old’s soccer game does not impact the child’s overall success in life. In fact, it is the parent who feels that if their child succeeds, it fills them up, and lets them know they are a worthy parent that leads to a lot of pressure on our littlest citizens. The fact is, your children do not fill you up, a parent should not live through their child, and the success of a soccer tournament does determine the overall success of a child as an adult.
Greed is an unhealthy filler. There is a belief that if I am wealthier than you than I am better than you. If I am better, then I can fill the void. Therefore, people can be ruthless in their pursuit of wealth. The number of millionaires has steadily increased in our world which lends itself to the question, how much wealth do you need? You can’t take the house, the cars, or your closet with you when you die.
The last item on the list is validation and praise. Some of you may be wondering how this simple concept can be unhealthy. Follow me here. If you are a person who can only be happy if someone validates or praises you, then it is unhealthy. In this instance you are living outside of yourself and putting the power over your happiness in someone else’s hands. Is validation and praise OK? Sure. It just depends on how it is received. If it is used to fill a void and your happiness hinges on it, then it is not OK.
Fill Yourself
There is something all of the items on this list have in common; they all are outside sources that are used to fill a void, and in most instances, do so only temporarily. To be full is to fill your own void and make yourself happy. There is not a one size fits all here. For example, you might feel full if you created a new recipe whereas for someone else the thought of cooking makes them cringe. For another, a hike to see the view from the top of the valley may fill them up but for another a hike sounds abhorrent. The key is to figure out what fills YOU. Ask yourself in the morning, what do I need to do today to fill myself up today? Then do it. Perhaps when you wake at 6 am and are bleary eyed you might not have that answer. No problem. Reflect on your lunch break or after work. You may be a busy parent and can only find that slice of peace before bed. Great! Plan before bed for the next day. This planning time is as crucial a part of your daily routine as brushing your teeth. It is a normal part of self care. For those busy parents who feel that it is difficult to find time to fill themselves daily, think simple and ask for help when you need it. A family member, friend, or neighbor can watch the kids so you can go for a walk for 45 minutes and fill yourself with the sights and sounds of nature. If it is winter, perhaps 30 minutes of journaling or reading a good book. Take some time and think about how you can fill yourself in a healthy way and be mindful of the unhealthy fillers. Self care is the number 1 step to living from the inside out.
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