Let’s be honest. The healing process can be very messy. It reminds me of the spider plants that have all the curly edges where you cannot tell where one stem started or ends. I think that is why so many folks quit before the finish line. It is quite literally exhausting to try and keep yourself alive during the entire process. But it’s worth it! It can be hard to hang on when there is a life at the end that you have never known. Trust me. Do it.
The first step is pulling yourself out of a trauma bond. The trauma bond is developed during an abusive relationship where the body becomes chemically addicted to the cycle of abuse, or more closely, to the chemicals that are released in the body when life is “better again”. The cycle repeats itself over and over again until the person unknowingly develops an addiction that can be hard to break. Some reports suggest it is like a heroin addict going through withdrawal. It can feel like the body is being electrocuted when one resists the temptation to return to the abusive environment. This pain can intensify to cause vomiting. I know, I am not painting a fun picture. No wonder people do not make it to the end, right?
The second step is to address the codependency. Abusive relationships often have some form of codependency and can sometimes have cult like characteristics. It is important that the person who has experienced abuse learns to live from the inside out and be their own source of; love, attention, safety, fun, security, nurture, problem solving, and happiness. Yes, all of these things. It is crucial. When one fills their own cup to fullness, there is no need to stay in an abusive relationship nor will you attract new ones in the future. This step can take time. For me, I would say it took a year and nine months with a little bit of growth still needed. But it's worth it!
Then there are a mess of steps forward and back that include flashbacks, nightmares, and all sorts of fun stuff. Keep with it!
The step that is often missed is making it to the point where one can say with truth in their heart that they love the life and tribe they built and they love who they are now. The reason I say this is a step that is often left out is because many do not make it this far. Let me be clear, I am not here to judge. I am the one that was in housing by a non profit, going through the withdrawal of a trauma bond, on the floor or in a bed(I was so delirious I do not remember which one) that kept visualizing myself being thrown off the balcony and seeing myself land just so I could feel one second of relief. I did that. Over and over. For hours. While I was on step 1. And I have many more stories like this one. No judgment. My point here is, stay the course and build a tribe so you can make it to the end. You owe it to yourself to get to a point where you can feel the truth of this statement “I love my life and my tribe. I love the person I am now”. To clarify, when I say “tribe” I mean team of support. It does not have to be family. Your tribe are people that love you unconditionally and that may not be your family. Does it matter? Your tribe equals your family which equals your team of support. You can get there, my friends, you can get there. I. Believe. In. You.
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