I can answer this question. As a result of 24 years of verbal, emotional, sexual, and financial abuse, I went through the withdrawal of the trauma bond when I escaped to housing provided by a non-profit in April 2020. I was only at the location a few hours when the shivering started. Since I lived in the Midwest, I knew to add layers of clothing when the temperature dips. I added layer after layer of clothing but could not get the shivering to stop. The next two weeks were full of shivers, 24-hour diarrhea, panic attacks, and flashbacks. I could only sleep from about 11 pm until 3:30 am and experienced night terrors while sleeping. My memory is foggy as I literally felt out of my mind. It was an additional challenge to be so isolated because I was alone in the housing provided for me and not working due to Covid. One memory that does stand out was the constant visualization of throwing myself off of the balcony. I am unsure if I was on the floor in the kitchen or in a bed, but I distinctly remember visualizing myself jumping off of the balcony and hitting the ground over and over for hours because when I hit the ground in the visualization, I experienced a second of relief. Therefore, I did it over and over and over again.
The next two weeks I started to notice sores all over my scalp, down my neck, and the side of my face. My hair was also falling out. The previous symptoms of diarrhea, flashbacks, and panic attacks continued. I believe it was at this time the shivers stopped. I could not watch TV, listen to music, or go on social media because they made the symptoms more intense as a result of constant triggers. The isolation due to Covid continued which added to the trauma. By the end of 4 weeks, I had been alone the majority of the time with the exception of the “grocery lady” who dropped off groceries for me and the nonprofit minister that stopped in to check on me. She had made herself available almost 24 hours a day via phone during this period and I am eternally grateful. The only reason I did not return was because I felt like I owed her due to her kindness-a stranger that immediately loved me unconditionally. The physical isolation was made even more challenging due to the fact that my ex-spouse would not let my children visit me due to Covid even though I went from one quarantined environment to another.
Over the next 3-4 weeks, the diarrhea translated to loose stools and I was getting strong enough to leave for short periods of time. I had to go no contact with my former spouse in order to manage these symptoms and I encourage others to do the same. It may seem like an intense hassle when you have to co-parent with the person, but I strongly recommend it. The withdrawal period that I lived through was similar to what heroin addicts, and other chemically dependent people, experience. I no longer look at these folks through a judgmental lens when I hear of an addict taking their own life. I understand their desire to not continue with the life they were living and the pain of withdrawal. I can easily understand the perspective that there is no way out.
After the withdrawal period, what does it feel like to have a trauma bond re-triggered? It feels like you are being electrocuted. I read an email from my ex-spouse which triggered the trauma bond. I could intensely feel every nerve ending in my body from the top of my end to the bottom of my feet. It felt like I was on fire and being electrocuted. The pain was so overwhelming it took me to one knee and I started throwing up due to the pain. I remember calling a girlfriend and I asked her to stay on the line with me. I could have made it stop. All I had to do was put my hand on the door handle and drive over to my ex-spouse’s location. But I resisted and the vomiting turned into dry heaving. And this happened many times.
Why do people return to a cycle of abuse? I believe it is because they are not consciously aware of a trauma bond and thus return to resolve the situation, so they feel like “it is ok again” and get the hit of body chemicals due to the fact they were in such a low place as a result of the incident. I no longer look at these people with judgment. I have a master’s degree and had never heard of a trauma bond. I did not understand verbal and emotional abuse. I did not understand sex abuse in a marriage. I could not recognize financial abuse. And I am an educated woman.
Stop the judgment. Please stop the judgment and offer people fleeing an abusive situation support. I would have missed a month of work to manage my symptoms had I not been off due to the shutdown as a result of Covid. I could not leave the bathroom much less the housing I was placed in. People in these situations need more than a place to live but almost 24-hour support so they do not return to the abusive environment. There are many well-meaning family members that provide a safe place for their loved ones to stay. However, this is not enough to keep them there. It is crucial that the individual is educated on the trauma bond, has professional or nonprofit support, and is not judged. Talk about domestic abuse. Ask questions. Be supportive. Do not judge. Together, we can make a difference.
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